am I...a quitter?
So…I quit my job.
I think this is the first time I’ve said that and felt somewhat okay (Can you see my eye twitching?). Yes, it’s true. I quit my job. A job I’ve had since post-graduation. My first “big girl job”. One that I sworeeee I was not going to go into when I was still in my Master’s program. Yes, that very one. I don’t know why, but something in me could not actually picture this day coming, even if I did jokingly say I would. I just couldn’t see it for me. And if I’m being the most honest, I thought I would get fired before I quit (different story for a different day).
Ever since making this decision, I’ve used different phrases: “I’m leaving”, “I’m transitioning out”, “I’m ending…”, and probably others in the mix. At first, I think it was the therapist in me doing a reframing technique to feel better about the decision I had made. However, the more I heard myself say them and the more I sat with this, the more I realized I actually just hated the idea of being a quitter. And even more than that, I hated the idea of others seeing me as one.
Now would love to say that I processed all this with my therapist but I fear she is doing a No Contact challenge with me. J babes, if you’re seeing this…idk what to say atp, but I hope you’re proud of me as you read on xx
So instead, I had to be the biggest girl and use the tools I’ve been given myself? I could not believe ittttt. Even though I am, by default, an internal processor, sometimes I do want to process with someone else. After much sitting with my emotions and prayerfully processing, I saw how perfectionism and the fear of man (what people think of me) were at the root of that flowery language I was using. Coming to this realization felt like one of those moments when I trusted someone who said, “It tastes like juice.” Bamboozled! Disgusted!
The idea of me quitting was sooooo not the vibe. I had a plan! When I first started my job, I had a plan. I was going to work there until my Associate hours were completed and then I would leave. So imagine me leaving before said goal was met. Not part of the plan. To me, that now made a what? A _______. Oh! Okay!
Beyond that, if I now tell people that I quit, what will be said of me? How can I present this in a more palatable way? more ~ strengths-based ~ you know? What will my parents say? Will they be disappointed? Will they think I’m just here playing around with my life? Ah.
And if you look over here, you’ll see a young girl spiraling:
omo, I had to pull it together. Because how did I manage to get so far in my thinking? And who allowed that to happen?
In the pit I let my thoughts drag me into, I heard a voice say, “Who told you that?” (See Genesis 3:11) And for me, that felt like my brain was put back into my head where it belonged. I was allowing all these false narratives and hypotheticals fill my head and lead me into a place that was not helpful in the slightest. I was letting these made-up scenarios cloud my judgment. I had to remind myself of what was actually reality.
So what have I been holding onto? Peace. Truth. Affirmation.
1: Peace - When I decided to quit, it was the first time I actually felt peace about leaving the job. Without a doubt, I was in that position for a reason. All of it was so intentional. Now, could I have stayed? Sure, I could have. Do I think this was the best time to leave? Yes. It was a time I could leave peacefully. I felt like God gave me a window of time (what I’ve been considering to be a grace window). And I definitely saw the fruit of that. (See Colossians 3:15, Isaiah 26:3, Philippians 4:6-7).
2: Truth - If you remember my transitions post, you’ll remember there are certain things I hold onto to help me get through intense times. When considering this decision, I had a conversation with my parents after coming off a fast. I was feeling anxious about approaching them with this simply because I did not know where the conversation would go. I remember praying that it would be a soft and loving conversation. I didn’t want our time together to end on a bad note. And God came through! Because my parents met me where I was at, and even further let me know that there was nothing I could do to disappoint them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more seen and understood by them in that moment. That was so healing for me. (See Proverbs 16:24)
3: Affirmation - After turning in my resignation letter, I had a conversation with my supervisor. God bless her. A God-send! In the conversation, she encouraged me a lot in the work that I did while at the job. One thing that truly blessed me in that conversation was when she said I did all I could to make this work. And that was something I didn’t know I needed to hear. But for someone who was feeling like there might’ve been another way to make something shake? That helped me confirm I was making the right decision. I also came to the realization that if I stayed, it would simply be to please people. (See Colossians 3:23-24 and Galatians 1:10).
So, what did I learn from this experience? Even though I quit, I’m really not a quitter. I am just someone who made a decision. A decision that was covered in prayer. A decision that is not the end of the world. A decision that does not define me. A decision that was actually for the benefit of my overall health. A decision that actually helped me witness the favour of the Lord even in the ending of a good thing that was given to me by a Good Father.
I hope that this year, you take bold steps with the Lord. I pray your heart’s desires align with His will. I pray that you feel compelled to move at the sound of His voice. I pray that you hold tightly to the fact that His way is always better. And I pray that you remember that obedience is always worth it.
Much love,
Kumam 🩷
Happy New Year! Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to share with a friend and let me know what you think in the comments below! If you think there’s something here I should expand on, in TWK in this new year, let me know as well!